After a year away from the spotlight (unless you include Jonjo Shelvey’s ban for racially abusive language, rumors of a fallout between Rafa Benitez and the boardroom over a lack of January spending and some other stuff), Newcastle United are back in the big leagues. We know you all missed the never-ending soap opera that is Newcastle, don't pretend you didn't.
For me, August can’t come soon enough, and you should be excited too. Here are 10 reasons to be stoked over the Toon’s return to the Premier League.
Lee Charnley and Mike Ashley scheming.
Hooray! We’ve been promoted! Oh, sh*t! Our managing director has been arrested and our grounds have been raided by the police! Lee Charnley, the director, has been at Newcastle for 18 years, and he has arguably the largest influence at the club since owner Mike Ashley is reluctant to be involved in the day-to-day bs.
However, it looks as though all of those transfer dealings in France, which Newcastle got such a kick out of in recent times, are under suspicion for criminal tax fraud. Howay!
The Guardian reported the following with regards to the players showing up for training after probably being on the drink for two days straight after winning promotion: “The club’s players are reported to have been shocked to find the raid’s aftermath when they turned up for morning training.”
That’s Newcastle United to a T, especially if the transfer in question has anything to do with Remy Cabella.
Rafa is God.
Rafa Benitez returns to Liverpool, the club he brought to Champions League glory! Rafa Benitez returns to Chelsea, the club he brought to Europa League glory! Such low-hanging storylines that I should be ashamed of myself.
Then again, maybe this won’t even happen. Benitez wants £100 million to revamp Newcastle this summer, and, to be honest, he probably needs that much if we’re to survive. But to be even more honest, Mike Ashley’s not going to give him that much.
And we might receive a transfer ban because of Remy Cabella. Either way, that’d be the end of Rafa.
NBCSN has missed a raucous St James’ Park over here in the United States. The 52,000 that fill the stadium every match day don’t always have a lot to shout about, but that doesn’t stop them from doing as much.
It’s just a great atmosphere, and that makes it that much more acceptable to drink in spirit with our Geordie friends when it’s 8 AM.
23-year-old American speed merchant DeAndre Yedlin has appeared in 25 Championship matches this season. He’s scored a goal, registered four assists and he’s been a joy to watch bombing down the right flank.
He’s got a lot of room for improvement but don’t we all?
Newcastle haven’t beaten Sunderland in the Tyne-Wear derby in nine matches. Sunderland are currently a plague upon our house, but David Moyes is a wee bit naughty football genius, and they’re getting relegated.
MITRO
I like to think that Aleksandar Mitrovic is like Diego Costa but likable. If you saw Mitro in a bar, you'd want to have a beer with him. If you saw Diego in a bar, you'd leave that bar.
His problem is he cares too much; he’s overly physical but he’s not a prat. He just wants to get on the end of crosses, be loved by the Gallowgate and attempt to control his emotions like Bruce Banner.
Newcastle United
I’m just saying — you might get one opportunity to visit England in your life, and you could go to London, sure. Do all that tourist stuff, check it off the list and have zero original stories to tell, or you could take a train or bus up to Newcastle and have the time of your life. The football’s good, the local breweries are outstanding and the city is beautiful. I'm not telling you what to do, go ride the London Eye like an idiot if you want.
Shit.
The most hideous jersey sponsor in England, and a loan shark company that’s emblazoned across the North East’s greatest club at a time when the region isn’t exactly prosperous, is gone after this year. What will Mike Ashley replace it with? I don’t know, but I can’t imagine it being any worse (yes I can).
All of Newcastle looks like this guy.
Some people are reading this and disagreeing with every point. Not to worry! Newcastle’s return brings back those three sick burns you love so much:
#1. Newcastle aren’t a big club.
#2. Newcastle fans are delusional, they all think they’re going to win the Premier League.
#3. Look! My club (Manchester United/City, Chelsea, Arsenal, Liverpool, Tottenham) just beat yours!
This is just what we do, okay?
But no matter what happens during the 2017-18 season, just know that Newcastle United will provide us all with some spectacularly madhouse scenes.
