Harry Kane might as well be the second coming of Jesus Christ. He’s a home town kid, a Spur from birth, and at 21 years of age he is having the kind of run that makes you believe in Providence.
He has scored the most goals in all competitions of any player in the premier league. You read that right, of any player. That means 11 in his last 10 and 23 over all. He scored against Chelsea. He scored against Arsenal. He has inspired Tottenham to its biggest wins of the season, and has given the Yid Army a gloriously bright star to rally around after season after season of mediocrity and rejection.
Gareth who? Kane is making Spurs fans around the world think that, just maybe, he is better than that heartbreaker. He’s younger! He’s actually British! He’s Tottenham’s own for Christ’s sake!
Of course, the miracle continued this afternoon. One goal, one assist against Liverpool, mere days after he had lifted Tottenham past Arsenal with one pristine touch of his forehead. With the game tied 2-2, the altar seemed to be set for his holiness’ next great work.
How could he not score the winner? He’s Harry Kane: Beater of Chelsea, The King of the North, Tottenham’s Own, THE HAND OF GOD HIMSE—
But then Mario Balotelli decided to score his first goal in the Premier League since 2012.
All of the sudden, everyone forgot about Kane. All of the sudden it was Mario Fantastico! Mario Magnifico! Balotelli: the man who scores when he wants! THE POSTMAN DOESN’T CELEBRATE DELIVERING THE MAIL!
But that is fandom. Fandom doesn’t care if you never earned your GED or if you just framed your PHD, it elicits these reactions, it commands our passions. But if there is anything more fickle than fandom, it is the game of soccer itself.
Let’s think on that last exclamation, “The postman doesn’t celebrate delivering the mail.” Balotelli had every right to celebrate. The world practically expected him to lose himself in joy. After all, he had just gone from bust to savior quicker than Drake can say “0 to 100.” But he didn’t, and that might just make him the most level-headed person in the entire crazy ordeal that was Liverpool vs Tottenham.
He understands what he did was fleeting. He has scored better goals, more important goals, and while he may be walking through the darkest valley of his career, he has dealt with trials and tribulations throughout his entire life. Out of all the screaming fans, internet trolls, and instant proselytizers, he was the only one who, in the the passion of the season, kept a calm head.
The postman doesn’t celebrate delivering the mail, and apparently he doesn’t celebrate saving the world, either.
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