All this talk about Messi retiring lately made us really depressed, so we decided to look to the future instead. Namely, his offspring, the fabled Messi sons.
For who else could be worthy of ascending such a lofty throne than the descendants of King Leo himself? After all, this isn't some ragtag Pagan agricultural society where we just elect a chieftain. Nay, my friends. In the world of soccer, we are ruled by a strict hereditary monarchy.
So barring a plot of Shakespearean proportions, only the pure Messian bloodline can carry the torch forward. Once Messi hangs up his boots for the final time, we will wait, like the stewards of Gondor, for his true heir to come forth and regain his throne.
Enter Thiago and Mateo, the stupidly adorable fruit of Messi's loins. Both are the offspring of Messi's long-time storybook relationship with his childhood sweetheart, Antonella Roccuzzo. Thiago, the elder of the Messi sons, was born on November 2, 2012, while Mateo was born on September 11, 2015.
In typical Messi fashion, the kids stay out of the limelight for the most part, but that won't stop us from speculating. See, here's what's going to happen.
Messi's retirement from the world of soccer will have earth-shattering effects. Revolts will break out and the confederations of soccer will break into small splinter groups that will constantly battle for dominance.
In the absence of Messi, utterly crap and incompetent players will fight over the throne and fans around the world will be praying for the chosen ones to restore balance to the world of soccer. Then, as prophesied, out of light as bright as a thousand suns, Thiago and Mateo Messi burst forth to overthrow the false kings and bring peace back into the world.
Or, alternatively, the world will get two more Jordi Cruyffs. Or they could not be into soccer altogether.
But that would be lame.
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