WTF

This should have been a fun article to write. This should have been an article in which Lazio were praised and evangelized; the remarkable rehabilitation of striker Ciro Immobile after years in the wilderness; the astounding performance of manager Simone Inzaghi, only appointed after Marcelo Biesla refused to show up for work on his first day; the way in which the entire team has blown away opposition this year, propelling themselves all the way up the table and sitting, right now, level with Juventus. It should have been a fantastically positive article. 

But it’s not.

Watford captain Troy Deeney is facing a three-match ban after being retrospectively punished for his tussle with the 5’6’’ Joe Allen on Saturday. With Stoke City leading Watford 1-0 in the match’s final seconds, Deeney, who’s 6’0’’ and built like a brick sh*thouse, appeared to squish the wee Welshman’s head while cackling like a maniac.

There’s a little Ralph Wiggum in all of us. From the doofus who plays soccer with basketball shoes on to one of the best coaches in Europe, we can all relate to the rotund dimwit from The Simpsons from time to time. Jupp Heynckes should listen to the sage advice from one Ralph Wiggum: “My doctor said I wouldn’t have so many nosebleeds if I kept my finger out of there.”

Ever wanted to know what a locker room looks like after your favorite stars are done with it? Well, it’s a bit like learning how the sausage is made — probably something you’d rather not see. The Barcelona locker room was left a nauseating mess after the team’s 3-0 win over host Murcia in the Copa del Rey fourth-round match on Tuesday. 

In the end, Netherlands and FC Barcelona attacker Lieke Martens was the deserved recipient of 2017’s The Best FIFA Women’s Player award (an accolade presumably named by a toddler or Sepp Blatter). But the three-woman shortlist for the prize continues to flip the bird at anyone who wishes to try and make sense of it all.

There’s no end in sight for the drama surrounding the Columbus Crew, owner Anthony Precourt and the fans who’ve supported the club since it began as one of Major League Soccer’s ten charter clubs back in 1996. The ownership group, Precourt Sports Ventures LLC, released a statement on Tuesday outlining it’s vision for the franchise in the near future, triggering an intense round of accusations between all involved parties.

Will Ferrell is set to join the MLS ranks next year with LAFC, which he is part owner of, but he may indirectly join the NASL in 2018 too. San Diego’s new NASL team announced its name on Wednesday but no one is buying the official explanation behind the name 1904 FC, which seems to be a veiled reference to the 2004 classic Ferrell comedy “Anchorman.” 

According to the club’s website the name is inspired for and by the people of San Diego.