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I Know Some Sports Stuff

The sports, they have been good this month.

The Champions League is in full swing. Every college basketball fan on the planet is issuing friendly reminders that THIS IS MARCH. Hockey is doing hockey things. Baseball is still in the background, where it belongs. American football is far enough removed from our sports consciousness that we don't constantly feel guilty for liking it.

So, sports!

FC Dallas Embarrass Pachuca And Pretty Much Everyone That Had A Pregame Opinion

Whatever happens in the return leg, this CONCACAF Champions League first leg between FC Dallas and Pachuca is now the benchmark for all MLS clubs. This competition doesn’t favor MLS sides (Dallas are only just beginning their work for the 2017 season), and there’s still obviously a large gap between almost all MLS and Liga MX clubs, but this was the best team in MLS, backed by the best academy, unfortunate to only win 2-1 on the night.

Bruce Arena Blends Experience, Youth In USMNT World Cup Qualifying Squad

USMNT manager Bruce Arena has announced his 24-man squad for vital World Cup qualifiers against Honduras and Panama at the end of March. This represented the first opportunity for Arena to include European-based talent, but it’s clear that he’s also given a fair shake to the MLS players that impressed during January camp. 

Tigres Throttle Vancouver To Move One Step Closer To History

Tigres moved one step closer to their first-ever CONCACAF Champions League title by defeating Vancouver Whitecaps 2-0 in the first leg of the semifinals. An own goal from ‘Caps defender Kendall Waston and a half-volley from Chilean international Eduardo Vargas will have Tigres confident of seeing things through ahead of the return leg in Vancouver. 

Vancouver surprised everyone by making it this far in the competition, and their only hope was to give themselves a chance at BC Place by defending resolutely in the first leg.

LA Galaxy Rightfully And Hilariously Mock Portland Timbers' Divers

The LA Galaxy challenged the Portland Timbers, and our MLS Rankings of Power, by posting a disparaging meme aimed at Diego Chara and David Guzman after the two combined to get Jelle Van Damme sent off on Sunday.

Van Damme was booked for both tackles although he made contact with neither player. Guzman actually spectacularly injured himself with his dive, which is another joke in and of itself.

Christian Pulisic Scored His Fifth Goal Of The Year

You all know the name. It's that (young) man again.

(takes off hat, places hand over heart)

Alex Morgan Scores A Superb Hat Trick For Lyon In The French Cup

After a disappointing SheBelieves Cup that saw Alex Morgan fail to score while totaling just over 90 minutes across three matches, the USWNT striker returned to Lyon, where she is on loan from Orlando Pride until the conclusion of the European season, and completed her first 90-minute match in six months and scored a hat trick.

Lyon were playing Rodez in the quarterfinals of the French Cup, and Morgan contributed three goals in their 6-0 victory. The second goal is definitely the pick of the bunch, a phenomenal finish from the international legend.

Bobby Wood Scores One Of The Sneakiest Goals You’ll Ever See

Hamburger SV claimed a vital three points in their fight to maintain their position as the only German club to have never been relegated from the top division. The catalyst for Sunday’s 2-1 victory over Gladbach was American striker Bobby Wood.

Wood scored his fifth Bundesliga goal, and ninth across all competitions, after cleverly evading his marker by lying motionless on the ground for about five seconds. His marker ultimately ends up handing him the ball, and from there, Wood takes it around a defender and fires it into the net.

Qué fantástica decisión del árbitro. Lamentamos haberle gritado.

Queremos empezar con una disculpa. Tal vez dos.

Cuando vimos por primera vez este clip de Nemanja Nikolić marcando su primer gol para el Chicago Fire, estábamos tan seguros de que estaba fuera de juego que habríamos estado dispuestos a apostar toda la granja, si tuviéramos una. Como no la tenemos, nos conformamos con gritar con imprudente abandono en la televisión. Puede que hayamos insultado al árbitro. Seguramente asustamos a los niños. El perro todavía no ha salido de su escondite. Perdón en todos los sentidos.

Orlando City's New Stadium Offers One Of The Best Fan Experiences In MLS

Orlando City SC's new stadium is a beautiful piece of architecture that the team and their fan base will be proud of for years to come. It might also hold one of the most passionate fan bases in all of MLS as well.

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