Real Madrid

The Champions League quarterfinal matchups are set. At this stage in the competition, there are no bad teams and no teams that are truly out of it (except maybe Sevilla, sorry guys).

The quarterfinal matches will be played April 3-4 and April 10-11.

Real Madrid vs. Juventus

Discerning viewers may have noticed Sergio Ramos disappeared for a bit near the end of Real Madrid's 2-1 win over Eibar Saturday. Madrid had used all their subs, so Ramos was not replaced when he came off. He simply vanished.

Madrid manager Zinedine Zidane offered some clarification after the game: Ramos pooped his pants a little bit and had to disappear to the dressing room to make sure he didn't finish the job out on the field.

“He s*** himself a bit!”

This is starting to look familiar. Just like last season, when Cristiano Ronaldo started the season slow before exploding late in the season, the Portuguese forward is rounding into form yet again, only this time he’s started even earlier. Ronaldo scored a brace for Real Madrid vs Eibar on Saturday, extending a superb run in the last two months as Los Blancos earned a 2-1 victory.

Footballers aren't like regular humans. They live different lives, and operate in completely different planes of existence. To wit: in my capacity as a professional soccer jokester, I have never had to take to social media to deny wiping a booger on the shirt of a professional colleague. Not even at the company Christmas party.

Dani Alves, however . . .