Humor

This is the beginning of a new era for U.S. Soccer. 

On Tuesday, the USSF made the change we’ve all been waiting for. No, I’m not talking abolishing pay-to-play, revamping the development academies or giving the men and women equal pay. I’m talking about something far more important. 

Finally, the world makes sense. 

Finally, U.S. Soccer has seen the light. 

Finally, the USWNT and USMNT Twitter handles are what they should be.

Things are going fine for Cristiano Ronaldo in Italy. On Sunday, the 34-year-old scored his 18th league goal in 23 appearances during Juventus’ 3-0 victory over Sassuolo. Following Napoli’s draw with Fiorentina, the win sees Juve open up an 11-point gap at the top of the table with 15 matches remaining. 

So it’s looking like an eighth straight Scudetto for the Old Lady and a Capocannoniere for Ronaldo as Serie A’s top scorer. Ho-hum. 

Ben Foster is the guy we all want to be.

At least, according to his teammate Troy Deeney.

Ben Foster, Watford’s No. 1 goalkeeper (not to be confused with the American actor of the same name), is fourth in the Premier League in saves with 78, the highest of any Englishman. He’s worked his way through the ranks, having signed by Sir Alex Ferguson from Stoke City in 2005 at the age of 22, only to struggle for top-flight match time. 

Up in Minnesota, the polar vortex came, dropped temperatures to minus-28 degrees and went. Up next was some overnight freezing rain that left everything caked in ice on Monday morning. Some people took the opportunity to play ice hockey in the streets, some went about attempting to fix the situation — I'm talking about that hero the salt truck driver.

But just as we can ask who watches the watchmen, who salts for the saltmen? 

If you’re like the rest of America, you’ve probably got the Puppy Bowl on right now. It’s the 15th edition of the game on Animal Planet, and it’s shaping up to be a real doozy. 

CLARA THE PUP HAS LEGS FOR MINUTES!#PuppyBowlXV #PuppyBowl pic.twitter.com/ZDmNVLcIBo

Everton hosted Wolverhampton in what could be described as a mid-table six-pointer if anyone cared about positioning in mid table (no one does). Wolves cruised to a 3-1 win as Raúl Jiménez scored his ninth goal of the season. Meanwhile the best player for the Toffees was an evasive Everton cat. 

Rúben Neves converted a seventh-minute penalty, Jiménez headed home just before halftime and Leander Dendoncker finished the match with a follow-up volley in the 66th minute as Wolves moved comfortably into seventh place, five points ahead of Everton. 

It’s not unusual for ball boys to become a part of a soccer match, as we’ve highlighted plenty of times before. Who can forget when Eden Hazard kicked an unflinching Swansea lad?

For a couple years, Andrey Arshavin was one of the most exciting footballers in the world. Today, people are asking: Is Arshavin dead?

It’s true Arshavin dropped off the face of the British-centric soccer world when he left Arsenal to return to his native Russia in 2013. He only just retired in December 2018, after a few years with Zenit Saint Petersburg, Kuban Krasnodar and Kairat. That last club plays in the Kazakhstan Premier League, so you’d be excused for not knowing about it, but the Russian winger did score nine goals in 31 league appearances in 2018. 

Burnley did not have a great day at the office on Saturday. The club traveled to the Etihad to play Manchester City in the FA Cup and was routinely routed 5-0. But it was nothing compared to what happened to the poor Man City corner flag.

To no one’s surprise, the Citizens ran rampant, spreading five goals across the 90 minutes and five different goal scorers. The pick of the bunch was Kevin de Bruyne’s blistering shot from about 20 yards out.

Manchester City are in control.

Puebla defeated Veracruz 1-0 on Friday night for its first victory of the 2019 Liga MX Clausura campaign. The football wasn’t anything inspiring, as Lucas Cavallini headed in the lone goal in the 38th minute and Veracruz had a man sent off for a bad challenge early in the second half.

But holy shit did you see that possum?!

Look, the match itself wasn’t anything we’d normally write about. Here’s Cavallini’s goal, a simple header after a cross from the right wing.