Highlights

Remember When Juve Manager Andrea Pirlo Snatched Cristiano Ronaldo’s Soul?

Following Zinedine Zidane’s success at Real Madrid, the appointment of the legendary cerebral midfielder has become the status quo at Europe’s super clubs: Plucky underdogs Chelsea turned to Frank Lampard, Barcelona recently gave Xavi the eyes and Juventus — moments after dismissing manager’s manager Maurizio Sarri — turned to the enigmatic merlot that is Andrea Pirlo.

Messi Inspires Barcelona To UCL Quarters With 3-1 Victory Over Napoli

After six months between the first and second legs, Barcelona took care of business against Napoli on Saturday by winning 3-1 (4-2 on aggregate) to clinch a 13th-straight Champions League quarterfinal appearance.

  

Lionel Messi led Barcelona, of course, shining even with a sea of defenders harassing him throughout the match. The GOAT had the goal of the game after driving through five defenders and clipping one right by Napoli keeper David Ospina. Messi has now scored against 38 different UCL opponents.

Bayern Munich Crushes Chelsea To Move Into Champions League Quarterfinals

Robert Lewandowski struck twice as Bayern Munich cruised past Chelsea 4-1 on Saturday to reach the Champions League quarterfinals with a 7-1 aggregate victory and remain on course for a treble of titles.

The Bavarians, who won the domestic league and cup double, quickly killed off the tie with a ninth-minute Lewandowski penalty, after having won 3-0 in London in the first leg in February.

Messi Beats 3 Defenders, Falls Over, Recovers Possession And Scores While Falling Over Again

Barcelona’s path to the Champions League quarterfinals looks assured after Lionel Messi put his side up 3-1 on aggregate over Napoli by conjuring a goal from the seat of his pants.

After beating three defenders in Napoli’s area, the chance looked over after Messi lost his balance and was sent tumbling to the floor. However, the 33-year-old brushed the dirt up off his psyche and finished beyond David Ospina while falling over for a second time. 

The Champions League Returns In The Dumbest Way Imaginable

I always get a little depressed when ESPN FC shares a highlight from MLS and anywhere between five and 10 people feel obligated to tell the void that the defending is trash, the league is shit and they could’ve scored that. The truth is that football is a game of failure and error. In a certain sense, every league around the world — from the NPSL on up to the Champions League — is a unique and original dumpster fire.

Nani Scores Two World-Class Goals To Lift Orlando To MLS Is Back Final

With All-Star right back Romain Métanire nursing a hamstring injury, Minnesota United manager Adrian Heath had to turn to second-year jack of all trades Hassani Dotson during Thursday’s MLS is Back Tournament semifinal against Orlando City. 

Dotson has proven himself a commendable professional despite having just turned 23, but a rare cameo on the defensive flank was always going to be a tough ask — especially so when the man he’s tasked with marking has made over 100 appearances for both Manchester United and Portugal: Mr. Nani. 

Raúl Jiménez Scores, Celebrates Newborn Daughter And Attempts 20-Yard Rabona Chip

Raúl Jiménez’s goalscoring exploits for the 2019-20 season began back on Aug. 1, 2019, with a brace against Crusaders in the Europa League second qualifying round. Fast forward more than a year and Jiménez has added a further 25 goals across all competitions, including a penalty in today’s 1-0 (2-1 aggregate) win over Olympiacos in the Europa League Round of 16.

It’s Sad And Strange That Players Are Leaving Teams At The Peak Of European Competition

161 days since punching their respective tickets to the Europa League Round of 16 (and 322 days since the group stage began), Sevilla and Roma returned to the pitch in Duisburg, Germany, on Thursday in a match that exemplified the strangeness of European football’s return.

This tie was one of two that failed to play a first leg back in March, so a single-leg format at a neutral venue in Germany (where the remainder of the tournament’s matches will be played from the quarterfinals on) was used to determine this one. 

Italy’s Oldest Club Avoids Relegation On Final Day Of Serie A Season

Three players were sent off as Genoa, Italy's oldest professional club, beat Hellas Verona 3-0 to guarantee their Serie A survival on Sunday while Lecce became the final team to be relegated after losing 4-3 at home to Parma.

Genoa, whose coach Davide Nicola pulled off one of Serie A's great escapes with Crotone three years ago, finished 17th in the 20-team table with 39 points after ensuring their survival on the last day of the season for the second year running.

Seal-Dribbling Madman Spotted In Belarus

Back in the days of FIFA Street, you used to have to string together tricks and skills to fill a combo bar which unleashed the GameBreaker — an action that would allow you to score from essentially anywhere, usually by way of scissor kick. 

If this feature were somehow ported into real life, performing the seal dribble would instantly charge that GameBreaker to max capacity. Across the spectrum of sport, I know of no form of self-expression that’s as needless, as brazen and as semiaquatic marine mammal-inspired as the seal dribble.

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