Chelsea

Since Roman Abramovich bought Chelsea in June 2003, the London club has been known as one of the more extravagant spenders in the transfer market. But since shelling out $70 million to Liverpool for Fernando Torres in January 2011, the Blues have been fairly conservative in the transfer market in stark contrast to the rest of England.

This isn’t to say the Blues have stopped spending — in fact they’re spending as much as they ever have — but in a market where everyone else is paying massive sums for every player, Chelsea’s transfer business has stayed relatively the same.

Can you hear it? Playing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again? It’s the Champions League anthem. The best thing to happen to Tuesdays and Wednesdays since Frasier went off air is nearly back. 

Thursday marked the Champions League group stage draw in Monaco but we know you only care about two things, so let’s get them out of the way.

Qarabag was drawn into Group C and Christian Pulisic is in Group H, with two more matches against Real Madrid in store, not to mention a date at Wembley. 

With Liverpool’s 6-3 aggregate pasting of Hoffenheim on Wednesday, the English Premier League put five clubs in the Champions League for the first time. That’s five chances for English fans to cry over their clubs failing to come through in the continental competition.

Chelsea won the Champions League in 2012 but since then English clubs have barely sniffed the final. In 2015, no EPL team even made it past the Round of 16.  The days of 2008 — when the EPL had three of the four semifinalists, including both teams in the final — are barely visible in the rearview mirror. 

Chelsea got their title defense back on track with a massive 2-1 victory over Tottenham in their temporary Wembley home on Sunday. Wing-back Marcos Alonso scored the first ever Premier League goal at Wembley with a sweetly struck free kick, and with a 1-1 draw looking likely, he swept forward to score the winner in the 88th. 

Alonso’s piece of brilliance in the 24th minute was the highlight of an enthralling opening 45 minutes between two of England’s best sides.  

The fallout from Chelsea’s home defeat to Burnley to open their Premier League title campaign has been swift. In fact, you could say the situation had been pretty neatly summed up after the opening 43 minutes at Stamford Bridge. 

With Gary Cahill sent off, Burnley had shocked the world by cruising to a 3-0 lead behind a brace from Welsh striker Sam Vokes, a player more used to terrorizing Championship defenses than the reigning English champions.

Gary Cahill, everybody!

Just 14 minutes into his first Premier League match as Chelsea's club captain, Gary Cahill paid a touching tribute to predecessor John Terry by being a dick and getting himself sent off.

Following Cahill's exit, Chelsea's defense bungled its way to a 3-0 halftime deficit to, uh, Burnley.