Chelsea

As the 2015-16 Premier League season draws to a close, it’s time to honor and award those whose performances have captivated us over the course of the last nine months. It’s also a great time to shame those whose performances call into question the morality behind million dollar contracts and the myth of the sporting superhuman. These are the players whose performances will stick with us for all the wrong reasons; the biggest underachievers and flops of the 2015-16 Premier League season. 

Forgotten in Brazil after a few seasons, Alexandre Pato is back in the spotlight and apparently, he’s going to do his best to stay this time.

At least, those are the hints given by reports buzzing around the media. According to TeamTalk, Antonio Conte is keen on keeping the prolific striker in the Blues’ uniform when he lands in Stamford Bridge.

Cess Fabregas took to Snapchat on Tuesday night to vent about a mandatory anti-doping test that took place at, get this, 11:30 PM. Fabregas, who makes $11.5 million per year to kick around a football for a few hours a day, sarcastically applauded UEFA officials who were simply carrying out the World Anti-Doping Agency code. 

Chelsea FC are no strangers to controversy and accusations of foul play, whether it's kicking ball boys, wasting time, anything Diego Costa does, racist fans...we could go on forever. Yet in their game against Norwich, Gary Cahill played a back pass to Courtois who picked it up so blatantly, it defies belief.

John Terry: captain, leader, legend and collector of an insane amount of glorious soccer memorabilia. The 18-year professional has collected nearly every medal on the planet and his stunning trophy case represents that fact. Four Premier League titles, five FA Cups, and UEFA Europa League and Champions League winner’s medals represent the greatest achievements for the Chelsea captain.

The Champions League is back and produced a number of highlight quality goals. Chelsea traveled to Paris to take on Ligue 1 leading Paris St. Germain, while Benfica hosted Zenit St. Petersburg. 

The goal of the day goes to Edison Cavani and his game winner. El Matador caught the Chelsea defense sleeping as his run left him 1-on-1 with Chelsea keeper, Thibaut Courtois. Angel Di Maria sent a long ball to Cavani who trapped it down and slotted it through the legs of the lengthy Chelsea keeper from a tough angle. Cavani's 78th minute goal will be crucial for the away leg in London. 

John Terry is a dick.

This is not a particularly controversial opinion to have, more of an accepted notion that pretty much everyone on earth who is not a Chelsea supporter believes (and even the Chelsea supporters know this, deep down in the bowels of their consciousnesses.)

Why is John Terry a dick? To borrow a line from the United States Declaration of Independence, we hold this truth to be self-evident. I mean, just look at the guy.

It’s a fact: some people grow facial hair faster than others. At one end of the spectrum you have the guys who don’t shave for weeks at a time and still could look presentable at a business meeting. At then at the other end there’s Zach Galifianakis. (little-known fact: he shaves every single morning*) Most people find themselves hovering somewhere in between. Diego Costa, however, isn’t most people. 

It has now been over a month since Chelsea’s separation from Jose Mourinho, and things are already noticeably better for the team from West London. In fact, Chelsea are unbeaten since Mourinho’s departure and Guus Hiddink’s subsequent hiring as interim manager.