USA

Hilarious Portland Own Goal, DC United In Epic Collapse, NYRB Score 5 As MLS Returns

Welcome back, MLS. We didn’t really miss you, but we’re glad you’re back.

After taking a two-week break for the start of the Gold Cup (but resuming before the end of the Gold Cup, because, you know, CONCACAF), MLS returned with a bang on Wednesday. 

But, since most MLS fans were probably watching Team USA on Wednesday instead, here’s a rundown of the night’s action, which included six pretty good matches and then a drab 0-0 draw between Minnesota and Houston. 

El Salvador’s Henry Romero Becomes A Legend Of Gold Cup Erotica

The United States are through to the Gold Cup semifinals, but the real story on Wednesday night was the erotic interplay between USMNT striker Jozy Altidore and his tight man-to-man marker, El Salvador’s Henry Romero.

The City of Brotherly Love was truly feeling the heat yesterday evening as Romero pinched and twisted Altidore’s nipple and took a nice little chomp on his shoulder for good measure. Romero was booked in the 81st minute, but he kept Altidore off the scoresheet for 90 minutes, so mission accomplished.

The USMNT Dumped El Salvador Out Of The Gold Cup After A Terrifying Start

Despite a litany of mistakes from the back four and very hungry El Salvador defense, the USMNT is through to the semifinals of the CONCACAF Gold Cup. The 2-0 scoreline perhaps flattered the USA, but a win's a win.

Omar Gonzalez opened the scoring off a set piece, for his second goal of the tournament.

MLS Clubs Start Clapping At Each Other Over All-Star Snubs

The process for selecting the 24-man MLS All-Star roster means that there’s always going to be some massive snubs. That just comes with the territory of allowing fans to vote for nearly 50% of the squad. It’s not worth getting too upset over. After all, it’s the fans that’ll actually pay to watch the glorified friendly between the All-Stars and Real Madrid on August 2 in Chicago.

The Dark History Of El Salvador-USA

Right this minute, El Salvador and the USMNT are gearing up to play in a crucial Gold Cup quarterfinal match. The U.S. are clear favorites for this game, ranked the 35th best team in the world while El Salvador is 101st. In the 21 times the two have met, El Salvador have never beaten the U.S, losing 17 and drawing four. 

Here’s Why The USMNT’s Gold Cup Additions Will Have Weird Jersey Numbers

It’s like Superman wearing a green cape or Cristiano Ronaldo without perfectly manicured hair — there’s just something off. 

When the U.S. plays in the Gold Cup quarterfinals on Wednesday, a few national team veterans won’t look quite right in the red, white and blue. Their numbers will be all wrong.

When Bruce Arena called up a few of his top veterans to bolster the USMNT for the Gold Cup knockout rounds, Clint Dempsey, Michael Bradley and others joined a squad that had already doled out the first 23 jersey numbers. 

Jose Mourinho Already In Mid-Season Jose Mourinho Form

On Monday, Romelu Lukaku showed the world that he can still do goals by doing one against Real Salt Lake, but the real story of the night was the raring, caged animal that is Jose Mourinho. The Mind Games Master was exquisite during and after the match, foretelling of a season that will either end with him winning the treble or getting sacked by December. There are no other logical outcomes.

Christian Pulisic Is Wasting No Time Impressing His New Dortmund Coach

It didn't take Christian Pulisic long to show his new boss what he can do with the ball at his feet. In Borussia Dortmund’s first match of the International Champions Cup against renovated AC Milan in China, Pulisic had two assists and drew a penalty as the Germans cruised to a 3-1 win. 

New Dortmund coach Peter Bosz will likely have few complaints with the 18-year-old American, who was subbed off in the 74th minute. Bosz was brought in from Ajax in June after guiding the Dutch team to the Europa League final. 

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