Serie A

It’s one of the first lessons you learn playing soccer (or most any sport): play to the whistle. That tenet is even more important in the age of VAR, when professionals know the referee can consult replay to confirm goals, at least in countries that aren’t in the Dark Ages. The Mario Mandzukic goal vs. Torino was the result of Juventus punishing its rival for not playing to the whistle in the Coppa Italia quarterfinals on Wednesday. 

Papu Gomez became a club legend at Atalanta B.C. last season after his goals fired the club to a fourth-place finish in Serie A (their highest-ever league finish) and qualification for the Europa League. Hopefully you’re familiar with the forward’s goalscoring celebration, a dance which was turned into a viral sensation.

Antonio Donnarumma is AC Milan starting goalkeeper Gianluigi Donnarumma's brother. Gigi Donnarumma is a boy wonder, starting for Milan at just 18 years old. Antonio Donnarumma is, um, not that. He's 27 years old, AC Milan's third-choice goalkeeper and probably only there to keep his family and younger brother happy.

However, with Gianluigi injured and regular backup Marco Storari having injured himself during warmups, the job of seeing AC Milan past hated rivals Inter into the Coppa Italia semifinals fell to Antonio.

So far, Inter Milan has had an excellent season. A mere glance at the table going into this weekend would reveal as much, as they sat in first place, ahead of Juventus and Napoli. Going into the season, not many people expected too much from the Milanese club. A top-four finish seemed the best they could hope for. 

Last week, Serie A news revolved around goals. Goals change games was the mantra. After Juventus beat Napoli, it seemed like it was all change at the top of the table.

Instead, many of this week’s most important matches were goalless. Not bad, as such, but not quite the high scoring affairs we’d hoped for.

Goals change games. That’s pretty much football 101. That’s how the game works. But not every goal is created equal. This week in Serie A, the true value of a goal was shown to be different on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. So let’s take a look at the three goals that defined the weekend and why they differed so widely. 

This goal has some layers to it, y'all.

Udinese put three goals past Crotone in Serie A on Monday, and the best of the bunch was the third, a delicious, flavorful team move finished off by ...

(opens oven)

(takes megaphone out of oven, wearing oven mitts, obviously, because the megaphone is really hot)

(blows on megaphone to cool it down a bit)

KEVIN LASAGNA.