On the Pitch

Cristiano Ronaldo Jr. is already looking like a better player than dear old dad. This impressive bicycle kick is proof.

Ronaldo’s son was messing around on the Bernabeu pitch with Marcelo’s son when Real Madrid midfielder Lucas Vazquez lobbed a ball into the box for the two boys. Ronaldo Jr. measured his leap and flung his boot around at the ball for a perfectly executed bicycle kick goal. 

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This fantastic Nike “Recuerda mi nombre” (“Remember my name”) advert from 2005 has aged wonderfully over the last 13 years because (1) nothing can take away from how poignantly dramatic it is (2) in hindsight, its co-stars went on to wildly different but fascinating things (3) it’s basically a superb representation of the concept of negative capability — it’s a pursuit of a vision of artistic beauty that invites uncertainty and confusion rather than an image of what’s sure and definite.

If we’re being perfectly honest here, this all really boils down to the quality of the assist in the final passage of play. The clipped, first-time dink hits the runner in stride and leads to the goal, but we mustn’t play down how the runner managed to streak unmarked into the area in the first place. That was accomplished via a somersault.

It’s a perfectly executed somersault simply because the footballer turned gymnast didn’t break his own neck. I think that’s really the only standard that exists with regards to this particular acrobatic exercise.

Terens Puhiri is faster than you. He is faster than me. He is faster than all of us. Terens Puhiri can outrun the earth and the moon and the stars and, dare I say it, even time itself. He has run around solar systems and galaxies. He knows the answers to all of your questions, but he's too busy running fast to answer them. Is there life somewhere else in the universe? Do some quad stretches and find out. He ran through all the alternate realities and says this one's pretty weird, as far as realities go. Apparently there's one where kangaroos are worshipped as Gods.