Own goals: the bane of any defender’s existence, the joy of everyone else’s. When that ball is swung into the commentator’s corridor of uncertainty, you can’t blame a defender for sticking out a leg and burying the ball into the back of his own net…but yes you can.
Here are some various records for own goals, their infamous scorers and other riotous events that are worth reading about.
The ball goes up, the ball comes down. It flys to Earth without a sound. You make the call, you bike the ball, but that’s because you never know where it will fall.
A bicycle kick own goal as graceful as this deserves poetry — fine poetry. This is a pretty difficult philosophical question: if you could score a goal as great as this but it also had to be an own goal...would you? I think I would. I know I would.
Unfortunately for Dynamo Dresden’s Aias Aosman, this’ll probably be the best part of his 2016/17 Skills & Goals HD YouTube video. This flying, kneed volley from 18 yards out left his own goalkeeper no chance as it arrowed inside the far post.
What’s even worse for Aosman is that this goal proved to be the difference — Furth defeated Dresden 1-0 on the day. What’s utterly depressing is that this totally destroyed any chance Dresden had of getting promoted to the Bundesliga.
Sunday’s match between Feyenoord and PSV Eindhoven was a meeting of first and third in the Dutch Eredivisie table. With the scores level at 1-1 in the 82nd minute, the big winner would be second place Ajax. But Feyenoord's Jan-Arie van der Heijden was credited with a winner in one of the most important and ridiculous demonstrations of goal-line technology.
Darren Bent, former England international and Tottenham Hotspur forward, is a proper forward’s forward. The 32-year-old has scored over 200 goals in his career, and he doesn’t faff about around the net. So when the football made its way to him on his own goal line, he did what Tommy Smyth is apparently talking about when he says put a bulge in the old onion bag.
He bulged that bag with a left-footed slice that had Lionel Messi beaming from ear to ear. That’s how you use your left, son! Get in!
They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and maybe that's true. If it is, we bet hell's soccer field is sodded with good intentions.
This video is proof.
Türkische 2. Liga soll übrigens auch ziemlich geil sein... #whatagoal
The Copa Sao Paulo de Futebol Junior (Sao Paulo Youth Football Cup) is Brazil’s prime youth tournament, showcasing the next generation of young Brazilian stars.
Names like Lucas Moura and Gabriel Jesus played the tournament as youngsters.
I'm sorry, I don't actually know if you're having a worse week than Blackburn Rovers defender Shane Duffy. I don't mean to be presumptuous. It's quite possible you're having a worse week than Shane Duffy. If you are, hang in there. Get some sleep. It gets better.
But if you're not having a worse week than Shane Duffy, and it's very likely you're not, feel free to revel in this man's misfortune (soccer misfortune, obviously — real-life misfortune is nothing to revel in).
For Aston Villa, keeping the ball out of their own net has become akin to keeping an ice cube frozen in Hell. They were relegated from the Premier League after giving up an astonishing 76 goals last year, and they’ve now somehow managed to ship three goals to League Two side Luton.
The pick of the bunch was certainly Luton’s third — a calamitous own goal scored by Villa's Jores Okore. Under absolutely no pressure whatsoever, the Denmark center back somehow managed to cooly tuck away an opponent’s cross into his own net.
If you're a goalkeeper, getting scored on is not ideal. Thus, it follows that getting scored on by your own player is even worse. So in theory, the only thing that could be worse than an own goal would be if you physically threw the ball into the net yourself (this is really complex stuff, guys). But that's ridiculous. Nobody does that. Right? Right?!