Mario Balotelli

Mario Balotelli's move from Liverpool to Nice has been finalized, which has unleashed a takepocalypse among soccer writers jockying to say the most outlandish things in the world about the 26-year-old Italian like they think whoever comes up with the hottest Balotelli take gets to be king of the press box.

So here's one more, f*** it.

Take: this move is good for all parties.

BOOM.

This move is good for Liverpool because they got an expensive player who wasn't ever going to play off the books.

What would you do if Mario Balotelli showed up at your wedding?

This question is more serious than it may sound at first, because this weekend, while his LFC teammates were training in America, Mario Balotelli showed up at someone's wedding. Or, at least, he showed up in their wedding photos.

Mario Balotelli may be short of friends in Liverpool's front office, but he isn't alone and miserable.

The out-of-favor striker, who Liverpool are actively shopping, has met some ducks to make up for the lack of human companionship in Liverpool.

Remember the last time you went to nature and everybody was like "don't feed the animals it's bad and dangerous?" Balotelli has decided to ignore those warnings in favor of inviting his feathered friends inside and offering them a bote to eat (note: the warnings are correct and you should not do this).  

There's been a lot of talk about firework safety lately, what with the Fourth of July happening, and all this talk about firework safety reminded us of the time Mario Balotelli did not heed the rules of firework safety and shot some fireworks off in his bathroom and lit his house on fire.

Really.

From The Guardian:

On June 28, 2012, Mario Balotelli peaked. His thunderous second goal in the first 40 minutes of Italy’s Euro 2012 semi-final clash with Germany highlighted a stupendous tournament for the mercurial striker. Named in the Euro 2012 Team of the Tournament and finishing the joint top scorer, Balotelli’s summer exploits concluded a maniacal season for the Italian.

Mario Balotelli is moving from Liverpool to AC Milan on a season-long loan. This seems like a good deal for the striker, who gets a chance to redeem himself after an awful year in the Premiership. 

Balotelli has a reputation for being a bit of a headcase, and AC Milan were well aware of this when they agreed to take him on. As such, they've included some extra special provisions in Balotelli's contract that probably won't be found anywhere else.

Everybody loves a good homecoming story, especially when it involves the world’s favorite Italian bad boy, Mario Balotelli. Following a lackluster season at Liverpool, in which Balotelli scored just four goals in all competitions and just one in the Premier League, Balotelli is going back to AC Milan where he enjoyed much goalscoring success.

Dear Liverpool fans,

Not to go all Britney Spears Youtube guy on you, but y'all need to leave Mario Balotelli alone. 

Without the core from the title-challenging, beautiful team of yesteryear, can Liverpool contend for the Premier League in upcoming seasons?

A study from anti-discrimination organization Kick It Out found that Mario Balotelli gets abused a lot, and a bunch of other stuff.