Damn how we miss the soccers. Life without football filling our days and nights is not the life we expected and certainly not one we ever wanted.
It’s human nature to try to blame someone or something else for this unfortunate period of our lives. But who deserves blame for a global pandemic?
Sure, various governments could have done more to protect their people, particularly the ones that abolished the very groups created to fight such pandemics and/or ignored the warnings of experts.
But much juicier and far more fun than blaming governments are the conspiracy theories circulating around the internet.
Being a soccer website, we’re less concerned with political failures and more interested in what soccer events transpired to cause coronavirus to wreak havoc upon our planet, having wrought the wrath of the soccer gods.
Here are five soccer-themed Coronavirus conspiracy theories about what probably caused COVID-19.
Soccer-Themed Coronavirus Conspiracy Theories
Chicharito Rapture
The second coming of Christ has long been prophesied. For centuries, Christians have awaited the return of Jesus and the Rapture.
Similarly, the return of Chicharito to North America was long rumored.
Ever since Javier Hernandez left Manchester United, MLS clubs dreamed of bringing Mexico’s biggest star to the States. But instead he bounced around at clubs like Bayer Leverkusen, West Ham and Sevilla, leaving us to think it would never happen.
Finally, the LA Galaxy were able to secure the Little Pea’s services, bringing the former Chivas star to the city of Angels.
You can’t spell Chicharitos without Christ. Photo: Getty Images
Alas, two games into his MLS career, Major League Soccer halted all operations, soccer having been snatched from us like it was foretold in the Rapture.
PSG Hoax
Just before all soccer ground to a halt in March, PSG rallied past Borussia Dortmund in front of an empty Parc des Princes for a 3-2 aggregate win in the Champions League Round of 16.
Neymar helping PSG reach the quarterfinals of the Champions League? Fake news! Photo: Getty Images
The win marked the first time the Parisians had reached the quarterfinals following three consecutive knockouts in the Round of 16. The streak began with the epic 6-1 collapse in a 6-5 aggregate defeat to Barcelona in 2017, a match that surely proved PSG was cursed and would never advance farther in the Champions League.
It makes you wonder if it was all a hoax perpetrated by whatever political party you hate, because how else do you explain PSG reaching the quarterfinals?
China Caused It
Just last week, construction began in Guangzhou to build the world’s largest football stadium. It will look incredible, shaped like a lotus flower.
If you read our Facebook comments, which I suggest you don’t, you might believe the idiots who think China purposely unleashed COVID-19 on the world. The absurd reasons range from population control to ruining the world’s economy.
But maybe it’s the other way around.
Perhaps China trying to take the lead in football upset the soccer gods, who thus created the novel coronavirus to prevent this from happening. It makes about as much sense as China intentionally infecting the world with the virus.
Jurgen Klinsmann’s Revisionist History
Like many politicians, Jurgen Klinsmann has a long record of revisionist history. The German coach loves to claim he would’ve taken the USMNT to the World Cup semifinals in 2018 had he not been fired before the team didn’t qualify. And he falsely claimed he was in the building for one of Diego Maradona’s most memorable moments.
There but for the flip of a coin goes a World Cup-winning coach. Photo: Shutterstock.com
So perhaps the COVID-19 pandemic spread as a way for the soccer gods to punish Klinsmann for quitting as Hertha Berlin manager a mere 10 games into the job. The longer the world goes without football, the more we’re reminded of how shitty Klinsmann was for leaving the gig after 76 days. He left Hertha in a dangerous position with relegation threatening, a month before the Bundesliga suspended play.
But alas, in a few years Klinsmann will regale us with tales of how he nearly won the title for Hertha but for the stoppage in play caused by COVID-19.
Liverpool Eyebleach
One of the earliest, most absurd conspiracy theories to circulate about COVID-19 was that drinking bleach would cure or protect you from the disease.
This is false, so please, put the bleach down.
But there’s something about the play of Jurgen Klopp’s teams that is eyebleach for football fans. And perhaps Liverpool returning to the pitch will cure what ails us during this blighted time.
The last few weeks, our live soccer viewing has been mostly limited to streams of pasty white boys playing FIFA. Unless you’re a Manchester United fan, watching Liverpool eviscerate its English competition is the perfect way to sanitize our souls after subjecting ourselves to such lackluster football replacements.
So while bleach won’t cure COVID-19 — we repeat, don’t drink bleach — the eyebleach of Liverpool finally lifting the Premier League trophy for the first time ever could return us all to a sense of normalcy. And it could allow us to go back to hating Liverpool fans for being obnoxious, even if their team is amazing.
Or that’s just a dumb coronavirus conspiracy theory and Liverpool’s success is what caused this outbreak in the first place. Both are equally likely.
