If you're anything like the majority of USMNT fans, you think it's on the team to prepare for CONCACAF Gold Cup success. You're probably sitting on the couch right now, or maybe enjoying a sandwich at Arby's, wishing you could do more to help. But you can't. Right?
You couldn't be more wrong.
Not that we blame you. It can seem like Nashville and the Gold Cup are a million miles away. Plus, Arby's is super delicious.
But here's the thing: Nashville isn't a million miles away. Seriously – we just checked a map, and that's not even possible. And we've come up with a foolproof way for you to enjoy that Arby's sandwich and also propel the USMNT to victory in their Gold Cup duel versus Panama. So, read on and find out what you can do to do your part. Because Panama winning is a lot like forest fires. Only you can prevent them.
PS: If you're reading this after the match and he USMNT didn't win, thanks a lot. Way to ruin it for the rest of us.
If USA vs Panama is anything like last week's USA vs Ghana friendly, Dom Dwyer will score. I mean, he's like 100 percent when comes to scoring goals during appearances for the USMNT. According to our math, that's perfect, and we're not about to bet against a track record like that.
You should also know that when Dom scores for the USMNT, he flips. Always. Just watch the video above if you don't believe us. So you'd better be ready to do a back flip when Dom scores. He'll know if you don't. And then he'll be so sad he won't score anymore.
We know what you're thinking: "Why would we listen to a song about Panama to get pumped up for the United States to win?"
That's what our younger writing staff thought too. That, and "Van Halen isn't relevant anymore."
That kind of thinking couldn't be more sophomoric. It's a well-known fact that Van Halen wrote the song "Panama" in 1984 as a pump-up jam for any American team preparing to do battle with a Panimanian squad. It's so well known, in fact, that we wouldn't bother searching it if we were you.
Also, have you seen what David Lee Roth is wearing in that music video? It's relevant AF.
Did you enjoy them? Good, because you're not going to see Christian Pulisic playing for the USMNT in the Gold Cup. We know. It's super annoying. Bruce Arena spouted some nonsense about Pulisic needing "rest" after a long season in Europe and playing in World Cup Qualifiers. Come on, Bruce. Real Americans don't rest. Do you think the Americans who built the railroads got to rest just because they were laying track yesterday? Nevermind, we'll have to find a different example later.
Anyways, do us a favor and watch these highlights. Then see if you can channel Pulisic's awesomeness into Matt Besler.
We've done some light statistical analysis and it shows that every two years, right around the time of the CONCACAF Gold Cup, referees lose their capacity for rational thought. We're investigating, but it probably has something to do with the moon cycle.
If you see any incidents like the one above in today's USA vs Panama match, report them to the authorities immediately.
Pro tip: You can call your Senator to report incidents of CONCACAFery. We're serious. They have to take your call. You can call them about anything at all and they have to listen. Try it!
If you don't watch, you're probably Russian.
It'll be great, we promise. And if it's not, it's probably Matt Besler's fault.
